The Cave

I have no idea why The Cave was on our LoveFilm queue but it was. Wife says I put it on the list; I think she did. Regardless, we both wish we hadn't. The Cave concerns a group of cave divers who enter a seemingly newly discovered cave in the Carpathian Mountains. Once inside, they discover a couple of unusual life forms that are quite similar to moles and salamanders. So far, so what? But then one of their number is killed and another is attacked by something with big fuck-off claws. It scratches the fuck out of the guy's back before he cuts himself free, taking one of the beastie's fingers with him.

So, this is a monster movie set in a cave. But... hold on: didn't we see a monster movie set in a cave a couple of months back? Why yes, we did. That one was called The Descent and it differed from this in that the key cast was entirely female. Not that the fact it was chicks in a cave with monsters made it any better. But it did. And I never thought I'd say this, but The Descent, as disappointing as it was, was actually better than the big steaming pile of doodoo that is The Cave.

It's not just the sense of déjâ vu, though; it's also that the script was so so bad and the acting leaden. The direction was much in that Batman Returns mould -- y'know, the third movie, the one by Joel Schumacher. That kind of "use lots of dark and lots of different angles and it'll keep the audience interested" line of thinking. No, it wont; it'll keep me pissed off, wondering why the fuck I can't see what's going on. Until I realize that FUCK ALL IS GOING ON, that is.

Still, for the ladies, eye candy comes in the shape of Third Watch's Jimmy (Eddie Cibrian, above), while the guys get to drool over Brit chick Lena Headey (left), who, in case you're wondering is only two degrees of separation from me.

All told, the movie runs about 90 minutes. But bear in mind that you'll never get that time back. Seemingly not even if you get up early in the morning. Rating: This was one of the worst films I've ever seen in my life. It wasn't even "so bad it's funny". I rate this movie 20 out of 100.