Malèna

Giuseppe (Cinema Paradiso) Tornatore's film Malèna is a paean to the beauty of the eponymous Sicilian woman, played by Monica Bellucci. As such, it is also an ode to La Bellucci.

And that, my friends, is about all it is.

Plot (such as it is): Malèna is the town sex bomb, turning heads wherever she goes. Her husband is killed in combat. She starts seeing other men and is accused of adultery and shunned by the town's women. Young boy, meanwhile, like all the men, is obsessed with her and fantasizes of being with her.

The story is cute enough, albeit with a bitter, mean scene at the end of the second act that plays out like a bit from some cheap chicks-in-chains exploitation flick.

I mean, the film is wonderful to look at. That old nostalgic World War II Sicily vibe is great. Though I can't help but feel not enough is done to make you care enough for the characters other than Malèna herself. This is a shame, since we are reminded often that they are (misguidedly, maybe) supporters of Italy's fascist leader Mussolini.

Other than that, the film plays out like a farce. It's funny enough. But even at just 90 minutes (I saw the Miram-axed version, shorn of 17 minutes, apparently), it feels 40 minutes too long. The plot of the first hour could easily have been squeezed into 20 minutes -- and it would have been all the better for it.

Monica gets herself into various degrees of undress, though, and that, I fear is the only reason this film was bankrolled. But the thing is, you can see a scanty Monica in most of her films, so you really needn't sit through this one.

Tough to score, this one, because it was at least funny. (Funny to me, a non-Italian. My Italian wife was embarrassed by its depiction of her people... and by one of their own!) But it was also too long and too slight of substance. I'm gonna take a generous stab at 57 out of 100.

Sheitan (aka Satan)

What drew me to Sheitan was knowing that it had Vincent Cassel in it. Cassel is a fine actor, and to be honest, I'll watch almost anything with him in (except Ocean's Twelve, natch).

I didn't know what I was letting myself in for...

The basic premise is slasher enough. A few kids go off to a deserted farmhouse in rural France. The house belongs to one of their number. Almost at their destination, the kids (and we the viewers) meet housekeeper/shepherd Joseph, whose wife, we find later, is pregnant.

Before you know it people start getting offed and weird locals are brought into the equation. Throw a bit of incest and voodoo-like dollmaking into the mix, and you're all set for a fun night in. And you even catch a glimpse of Monica Bellucci playing a vampire on a TV screen in one scene.

This is probably one of the maddest films I've seen in a looooong time. Not quite as mad as Takashi Miike's The Happiness of the Katakuris, but pretty fucking wacky nonetheless.

As time has passed, the details have become lost to me, but what remains is just as important: it has left me with a feeling, a fondness, an inquisitiveness towards it, a desire to see it again and try to figure out what the hell is going on. And, for me, that's better than a comprehensive understanding. I give Sheitan 70 points out of 100.

Tears of the Sun

It's no secret that I have a penchant for Bruce Willis films, and if he happens to be in one that co-stars Monica Bellucci (pictured), well, what's a boy to do, even if it's directed by Antoine Fuqua, who disappointed me so with Training Day?

Tears of the Sun is a hokey Hollywood picture about a bunch of African tribespeople under the protection of international aid worker Bellucci. Some shit goes down, as is the way between African villages and tribes, and another bunch of Africans come in wanting to slaughter everyone, à la Hotel Rwanda and Shooting Dogs.

The cavalry takes the form of US troops under the command of Brucey boy and including the excellent Eamonn Walker of Oz fame. Cue standard Hollywood action fare with pretty appalling dialogue and some unconvincing acting. Although Wife tells me some of the soldiers were cute.

The scores:
Acting: 10
Story: 11
Direction: 10
Enjoyment: 12
Cerebral pleasure: 6
Total: 49