Once

Apt name. You wouldn't want to watch it more than ... once. Lawdy, what a bore. It's basically like a promo video for an album that you wouldn't want to buy, with a few little dialogue bits thrown in.

She was kind of appealing; he was a dick. And those songs... So, so dull. I got nothing more to say except the numbers: 12 out of 100

Mamma Mia!

How do I follow my review of California Dreamin', which was better than any other film I've seen in the past couple of years? How? By reviewing Mamma Mia!, that's how. From the sublime to the ridiculous.

Mamma Mia!'s paper-thin plot revolves around the looming wedding of Sophie, the daughter of single mum Donna. The pair of them live on a Greek island. Neither Donna nor Sophie know who is the father of the latter, so she invites all three possibles (taken from her mother's diary) to the wedding, in the hope she will know him when she sees him.

Cue much hilarity. Much hilarity, that is, if you are over 60, for clearly this is the target audience for this piece of fluff masquerading as cinema.

It is, of course, just a showpiece for some of Abba's best-loved tunes and is based on the successful stage musical of the same name.

Granted, I don't much care for musicals. And I've never cared for Abba either. But even by the low standards I'd set for this film in advance of seeing it, it still failed to deliver.

The acting was pretty poor given the talent attached (Streep, Brosnan, Skarsgård et al), and there was barely an acceptably pitched note to be heard in many of the "singing" parts.

Slight, predictable, insulting, embarrassing. Truly awful. Avoid at all costs. The only moments I laughed were at the terrible acting and singing. I award Mamma Mia! a dismal 19 points out of 100.

Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

It's still Oscar season, and Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber of Fleet Street was nominated for some Oscars -- three to be precise -- and won one (Art Direction).

The story of Sweeney Todd is one that kids hear from an early age over here in the UK. He's this almost mythical figure we are told about as a side note in history lessons at the age of about 10 or so. When we're learning about old London town and the Tower of London and Guy Fawkes and the Great Fire and all of that, somewhere in the mix Sweeney Todd gets thrown in. Kids love the idea of a barber who cuts the throats of his victims and puts them into pies. I mean, what's not to love?!

In this film version of the story, adapted from the Sondheim stage musical/opera of the same name, Johnny Depp takes the lead role and is a man who has spent 15 years wrongfully imprisoned. He's back in London under a new name to take revenge on the man who sent him away and destroyed his family...

Directed by Tim Burton and starring his two muses, Johnny Depp and "ladyfriend" Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd is, as one should expect, beautifully shot and acted.

The supporting cast is strong, too, and includes Alan Rickman, Timothy Spall, and Sacha Baron Cohen.

I don't like musicals -- there, I've said it. I tend to find them too twee. But some rise above that categorization to become something more than just a musical. Sweeney Todd definitely does that.

I laughed. I cried. Well, no I didn't cry actually, but I did laugh. And I did grimace. Burton has not shied away from the gruesome act of blood-letting. He positively paints every available surface red, like a modern-day Argento. The sticky shiny scarlet stuff splashes superbly.

As with all musical theatre, the lyrics can be a bit rough in places. This is a necessary evil when telling a story, and I can just about put up with that. There are also some nice little rhyming couplets here and there that make up for the rest, almost.

Overall, I had a blast watching Sweeney Todd, and I'll give it 77 points out of 100.